Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
you can feel better about your life now. i slept with a guy who has gold teeth
Besides the whole peeing blood for a week thing, it was the best sex of my life.
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
At least they play good movies in the waiting room of the pregnancy resource center.
where are you?
two trains and a bus walk of shame. so not worth it.
Randomize
