He came through my line today and bought designer impostor perfume, just for men gel, and astroglide. I almost DIED.
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
either my laughing turned him on, or he wanted to shut me up. either way, i dont care. it was amazing.
We're having the conversation about what happened last night, all we can come up with is that we came home, drank two litres of lemonade, I took one of her seizure pills and we fell asleep with sabrina the teenage witch on
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
I had to jump out of her car while it was moving enough said
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
My liver just had a heart attack.
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
im gonna shove his purity ring down his throat
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
Randomize
