am i at home because theres a dig starrrrring at me and i dont know wit plus i haer sirens. run fast.
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
I succsesfully kept my nipples in my dress all night. Even when I got in a fight. I was made for the bar.
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
I'm assuming the reason my elbow is so sore has something to do with all the broken shot glasses eh?
Yep
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
Today in French class my teacher was singing "what does the fox say" so i started answering in similar satanic ritual noises
Ok despite the fact that both you and I love dick we could have a great marriage
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