thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
People were drinking out of 26ers with straws, and somewhere someone yelled "fill me with dicks!" I'm home.
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
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