Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
it was really bad. he went around saying "I want you inside of me" to everyone.
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
I woke up covered in his pee. And then he poked me on Facebook.
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
I thought monday through wednesday was a YOLO free zone.
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
Randomize
