She actually asked me 'is it in yet?' I deleted the vid.
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
I don't know if it's lucky or if it really just makes my tits look THAT good, but I've never NOT gotten laid with this bra on
We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
I have walked into stripper central, but I'm on the street at 1:00 in the afternoon
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
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