he only lasted three minutes, so to spite him i stayed the night and slept in.
she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
Fastest blow job ever. Though it was probably a good thing since we were in front of my house.
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
not only was there glitter in the toilet after i peed, but there was some on the toilet paper after i wiped. this cant be healthy.
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
My goal tonight is to be arrested by the Police Women of Cincinnati.
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
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