my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
I faked more orgasms with him then ever should be allowed for someone this pretty.
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
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