so ur a construction worker, male escort, sex god and surfer? lol
well its been awhile since I've surfed
I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
I'm quite proud of this turning point from one night stands to giving some guy a BJ to fix my car for free.
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
its so sad we are done celebrating 21st bdays everytime one of us turned 21 everyone else got laid
we were sitting in the kitchen and you kept biting my shoulder saying "itll all be over soon"
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
Randomize
