hell yes lets make some ravioli
If I'm having a dream where I'm having sex and I can actually feel it between my legs because I've had a lot of it recently, does that make me a whore?
I have a feeling this is a serious question. Problem solve, Jess.. I'm going to let you figure that one out on your own
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
i dont know whats weirder. that i told him he stabbed me in my dream or that he told me i wasnt the first girl to tell him theyve been killed by him in a dream
i don't knpow whats goin on i think theyre sacrificeing me to th tequila gods
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
Randomize
