I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
This is the first time since last march I'm gonna be going to a class for more reasons than wanting to bone the girl sitting next to me.
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
they would be such cute babies and they would grow up to have huge dicks. and that would make me proud as a mother
He's hinting that I'm starting to be kicked out of their blunt rides, I can feel it.
Let's just rave with boners that last for hours
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
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