i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
This show inspires me to have sex in space
I should have but it might be too early in this fuckbuddyship to emasculate him
She is feeding us popcorn out of her bra
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
You had a hat of bras. Probably a good dozen, which is totally impressive for a Thirsty Thursday
He drives a tundra! Of course I fucked him. Im just saying eventually im going to need help moving and he has a nice truck. Its like thank you for later on
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
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