Aj just asked if we were going to the bulldog tonight..i told her no because of the expense and tests coming up..but mostly because i don't want herpes
I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
I'm done. I'm tired and there's a topless pic of me floating around the nation's largest 3G network.
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
We have to use a contraceptive. God help the world if another one of us comes into fruition.
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
When confronted with a choice of going home or fucking the band ALWAYS FUCK THE BAND!!
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
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