lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
you were holding her hair as she threw up saying "I'm going to be a great doctor" repeatedly.
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
uh why is my bathtub filled with kool aid? or is that blood?
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