My boss' voice literally gives me gas
yeah she was being a bitch. do you remember me stealing ryan cabrerra's beer?!?!
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
He said that if more girls show up hes not going to ask ages... Spoken like a true sex offender
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
Randomize
