My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
So I just went to student health services and on my way in there was a girl outside on her phone saying "I just dont want you to be angry" and on my way out she was saying "I have the side effects sheet right here" Someone started the semester off classy
Oh and you pulled your pants down outside in front of like five people, held my hand, then peed.
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
i keep seeing little orange spots im starting to freak out
you tried mixing adderall in your visine last night..
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
He called me dainty, then fucked me like the Viking God he is.
Fun fact: I came home from the riverboat without my panties. And woke up with a different pair on.
Randomize
