Lets date for the summer
what?
Dont love me in September.
He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
Drinking bud light and eating rice cakes...this is the closest to getting in shape for spring break as its going to get.
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
hey you sure the big one didn't have a penis she left the seat up
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
We need to pull ourselves out of this slump. We need dick and lots of it. We are going to fuck our way to happiness.
Oh my god there are animals here. There are actusal animals trying to get him. A giraffe is trying to get in. A giraffee is trying to get in. Is ridiculouss.
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
I woke up with your bra on, and some guys boxers. I'm in a random truck, in the middle of nowhere...
Randomize
