my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
Omg I'm so stupid. All the peoples fb status that said "spain" I thought they were all going to spain.......
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
Thirty seconds is a long time in jizz time...
She's wear your skin crazy! Is it wrong that I'm gonna fuck her 1 more time though?
Randomize
