You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
Guess who won a basket of sex toys in front of his parents, aunts, uncles, sister, and cousin...
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
On a scale of one to 10 how Risky is it to sleep with a married man (all morals set aside)
Randomize
