I Once took so much Ecstacy that I tried to hug a fire.
I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
we boned then he told me that he had a thing for my gay roommate. worst night ever
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
KNEE DEEP IN HOES. SEND HELP.
I was thirsty after the sex and it was a long trek back to res so naturally I stole chocolate milk from his fridge as I left
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
I think I just got booty called by someone I've never slept with or even really had a conversation with before.
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
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