Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
ugh... I can't wait for campus to get back. Then everyone will have other things to try to have sex with besides me.
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IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
We were hunting our best friend with a BB gun in the backyard. I'd say the vaporizer was a worthy investment at this point.
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On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
just put a ruler in a cup trying to measure how much ivve had to drink..... God help me
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