I don't care where my tongue is but i t's going to be in all the pictures.
Pre-game strategy: play thunder by yourself in the shower. Surprisingly, success.
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
I can still be you friend and be there for you. And sometimes get drunk and fuck you.
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
Randomize
