I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
please come you make the beer taste better
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
Yeah he told me he wanted a serious relationship, but he's posting pictures of his dick on Kik.
And I am bleeding like slutty girl #1 In a horror movie
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
some kid just came up 2 me bleeding yelling "thats how u riot"
Randomize
