You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
Apparently i was the first person to introduce her to her clitoris. Needless to say...they hit it off great
So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
We ran out of things to say while we were playing Never Have I Ever so we started playing I Have Done This... Have You?
there's a guy pushing a keg up the street in a shopping cart. you have to love graduation
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
I remember saying your puke looked like a jellyfish and you got very offended.
So basically I really like drugs AND banging cops and it's starting to get complicated
ITS THE FIRST FRIDAY NIGJT AFTER MOVING IN WITH THE NEW ROOMIE AND I ACTUALLY JIST RIPPED MY TAMPON OUT AND THREW IT IN THE NEIGHBORS YARD WERE GOINF ON THE BOAT AND SLEPEING IN HIS AMBULANCE GOODNIGHT
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
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