P.S. theres no milk for breakfast, but theres plenty of beer or red wine. you decide.
watching E! true Hollywood story: curse of the lottery.. i'd probably spend all my money on blow and airplanes too..
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
shes 19, drunk and said she has no gag reflex. im trying to decide if i have scruples
you dont
i dont
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
Randomize
