Dude I'm telling you, conditioner is the best for jerking it in the shower. It feels great and afterwards everything is all smooth
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
Before I dignify that with an answer, let me get this straight. You're asking me if I wiped my ass on the towels?
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
His penis is the only thing worth pursuing but all the baggage attached isn't.
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
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