Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
I just told you I can't. My fingers are melting. I have discovered the high.
there has got to be a maximum amount of semen a person can take in before they get some kind of poisoning.
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
i just thought that perhaps i was done with the "boning on someone else's futon" stage of my life. guess not.
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
she stole my Timberlands and my Sublime shirt and left her heels and bra. this is war
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
I just got the high sucked out of me. Fuck.
I picked up a towel, and butt beads fell out of it.
Oh yeah... Surprise!
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