we have pet lesbian snakes
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
YOU'RE CHANGING THE SUBJECT. I CAN BLOW SOMETHING UP OR I CAN TELL HIM YOU LOVE HIM, BUT ONE OF THE TWO IS BOUND TO HAPPEN
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
3 hour lecture of my biology teacher talking about isotopes and space shuttles. I'm way too high for this.
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