in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
Do I have to formally apologize to Brett for flashing him?
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
Did I turn a man straight...??
Yes!
just answer this one ? for me. why is there human shit in my shower right now?
Randomize
