Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
Isn't that the only thing she's good at? Complaining and blow jobs?
like we started out all organized and composed and within thirty mins people were throwing up in the bushes, arguing over a beer bong and jumping in the pool with their clothes on
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
She showed up ready for sex all night.. with waters and a meat and cheese tray
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
Well I just saw a fully naked man doing a headstand in a cooler of ice water.
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
we are currently pregaming for our walk to the liquor store.
step one: admitting you have a problem. complete.
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