He just told me his cousin just died and I look like her. Reconsidering the sex.
that was the first time i tried it. why is it all sticky? its like somebody threw a glue bottle at my face.
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this.
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
Whoever labeled dysfunctional a bad thing obviously never saw this frinedship coming.
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
All I remember is receiving a lap dance to slow motion.
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
Randomize
