You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
she pinky promised me she was 18
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
Your "OraGel will numb anything" theory was the worst thing I ever believed in.
like he said he was barking at you while cumming in your face
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
his daughter has his phone and goesss ohhh boobies and shows me a picture of my own tits...
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
while giving me head, she stopped, looked up at me smiling and said "ill never be able to look at bananas the same way again" and then went back to work.
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
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