dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
i must have dtf stamped on my forehead
I'm at the house listening to vengaboys alone. Please come home.
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
Just used a champagne bottle to outline a trigonometric circle for math 104.. should i give up on life now or later?
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
He's def the type to chop us into bits whilst screaming "NAPA BITCH". AKA my type
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
I've sent two unsolicited tit pictures in less than 24 hours. I'm the female version of a fuckboy.
My little sister just helped me edit my nudes so that's how my night is going
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
In celebration of finishing my homework, lets drink tea w/ vodka
Randomize
