Umm I'm too high to move.
dude i'm inner monologue high
first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
Come over so we can hookup and eat tacos. Those are 2 things you can't possibly turn down.
I can feel my ovaries exploding thinking about them.
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
Bringing my mom Taco Bell and weed. I'm such a good daughter
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
If he moved really quickly from "hi I've had a crush on you for years" to "send nudes" you probably were used.
Randomize
