and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
the vast amounts of cleavage i'm sporting to my final says "no, I didn't study but don't worry I've got something lined up for when I don't graduate".
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
I just sent you a google doc listing all the reasons why I should stop hooking up with him. Feel free to add to it.
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
I would just like to point out that someone I had sex with drove me so I could have sex with you. I deserve some type of "most loyal booty call ever" award.
I think I will always strangely appreciate as well as kick ass at stoned dishes. Like for the rest of my life. Thank you slave job at Starbucks.
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
like I licked Molly off a boys palm last night at a bar I think its ok to eat chicken once a week
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
Randomize
