I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
So i literally just wrote sorry on my quiz and turned it in.
maybe it wasnt such a good idea to pregame our lease signing...
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
When I told the bartender it was my 21st birthday, he looked at me all pissed and said "But you've been drinking here as 21 for the past 2 years.." How do you THINK the night went?
So I take it free shots were a no after that?
Randomize
