OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
ambylanc
what?
there was an amgbulance. iw ish i was in it.
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
legit question. can i put a condom down our garbage disposal? my rents are coming over in 20
But how will the next generation learn about life choices without a Jersery Shore?
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
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