you used to get mad at me for mentioning 'unprotected sex' and happenings in my bed
well yeah, but then i realized the wisdom of your ways.
We walked in and the first thing we heard was, "OH SHIT! White chicks!" Naturally, I made some new male friends.
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
Oh I love our desires, it's riding my bike at 2 AM with a massive erection that I dislike.
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
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