I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
These rednecks don't fuck around. This party is completely BYOB and we now have 6 kegs, 3 of which have already been emptied.
You smell like a steam boat captain.
Whatever your on right now, I want.
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
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