Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
so this guy comes in from the patio covered in puke and says "we gotta go"...Yup u need to go is an understatement
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
Whatever. I'll just fuck him now and deal with the clingyness later.
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
We got way too high so we're sitting in the parking lot of the movies trying to figure out what bar to go to
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
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