Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
How do you set tits on fire ? I swear her tits were on fire.
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
And in my birthday dress, with my friends, i peed on myself in line for the club. Still went in and partied. I remember pieces
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
I now have a "weirdest thing a guy ever did in bed" story. Cut my fingernails.
Yeah I'm gonna need you to stop it right there.I know this is supposed to be a safe space but Imma have to exit.
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Randomize
