I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
I feel like we should apologize to the light saber. We were REALLY inappropriate with it last night.
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
Randomize
