hahhahahha. mid doggie-style, i faked an asthma attack. the sex was that bad
theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
Just watched the couple I sit for and 4 of their friends shotgun beers like college kids. Please let this be us when we get older.
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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