You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
her parents were awake and in the next room. i think i deserve a big fucking medal for that orgasm.
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
MY TITS JUST CAUSED A CAR ACCIDENT ON THE HIGHWAY! i kid you not!! i thinl the giy is actually dead
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