she was so not down for the gang bang
Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
The freshman next to me just said "I was rocking out on my way here to Dave Matthews..." I wish I would have passed this class the first time.
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
I found the hair cut I want on the girl in the porno I'm watching. now really sure how to show my stylist.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
Kripsy Kremes at our place, bring your own coffee. And your own donuts because these ones are ours.
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
I just wish he would stop trying to bring his emotional baggage into our sexual relationship.
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