My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
I think that thing where I have 2 boyfriends is happening again
Our DD has become famous. Strippers are asking to be handcuffed to him.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
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