we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
so. which one of us is going to pay for the neighbors new window? it cracked when i threw the bottle at it but smashed when you threw yours.
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
i dont think duct tape can fix my g spot
lets call myth busters
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
This is what you sent me from the other side of the pool, "Idk but thers a pool n l wanna get naked take off my trunks ill paddle with my dick"
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
Randomize
