Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
And then I have a slight inkling that I went up to the bar and tried to order the bartender.
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
We power houred with shots of red wine. Somehow we ended up with 7 bottles and lost Chris. Trying to find him this hungover is proving very unsuccessful.
Teacher vividly described one of the times he did shrooms, sat down, sighed, and told everyone to go do drugs and let us out 15 minutes into class. I love community colleges
i dunno dude, he took his shirt off and is rubbing jello shots on himself. i think he's done
Randomize
