Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
I can mark tailgating, going to the game and getting road head off my to do list today
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
He took a banana and in front of everyone showed her how he wanted it done.
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And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
Don't count me out just yet. Considering bartering a blowjob to see if that boy from work will take my shift.
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
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Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
DON NOT, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES WATCH CLOWN PORN.
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