Fuck Jersey, the house im in is so baller but this state just cannot win.
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
the red, white, and blue power rangers were all also in the porn buisness, good bye childhood
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
Just once id like to sleep with a man who i havent thrown up on
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
I want your cock. I also want to cuddle you and tell you how amazing you are, because you know balance.
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
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