Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
I had fun last year but I was one half of the hoe train back then. At least I'll feel better about myself as a person this year.
I'm going to miss going to the strip club though.
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
He used the expression "my couch is your couch" as a come on line.
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
I remeber being on the roof last night and we put our heads togeather and we touched each others face and said "Hennessyyyy"
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
so like what it comes down to is do I wanna look like a boss ass bitch or do I wanna masturbate.
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
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