i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
she is unbelievable! ever pee on a girl?
not while she was awake
I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
hey you sure the big one didn't have a penis she left the seat up
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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