Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
Quoting wale wont save you from herpes
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
the trick is not to think about where her tounge has been.
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
It's 4th of July all over again, we were chasing with the pool water.
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
We had 15 min before last call. Exact quote "let's see how drunk we can get."
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
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