dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
she was giving me head and that cheryl crow 'youre favorite mistake' song came on. she looks up and all i could do was nod
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
My liver just had a heart attack.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
The amount of knuckle children I've had to the Farrah Abraham sex tape is disturbing and impressive
So my POF profile is full of Archer references. Only guys who get them will be getting any response to their messages.
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
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