Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
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