We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
no seriously. she's even got the premier of the real L word on her calendar at work. that lesbian.
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
he was holding the bottle like a running back yelling for security and the national guard as he was being tackled
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
Maybe you need to change your pickup move. The "hey check these out" titty flash gets you the wrong kinda man.
I'm a terrible friend...i should have come right over instead of having sex for an hour and a half. :/ want anything from burger king?
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
I just had to take a picture of someone whose testicles are bigger than my fists combined. Living the dream.
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
Randomize
